Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
You Might Also Like
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
nyc:
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?