my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Oops I deleted….
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once