‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
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My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Lmao
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”