drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
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[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.