could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
me working on my assignments ^-^
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.