accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back