[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting