My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.