them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
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My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
SCARY COSTUME
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Raisins are grape jerky.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling