Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Bloody internet 😳
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.