Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
how much does a mortician urn in a year
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized