I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
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*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped