[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
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Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
No, YOUR illiterate.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.