There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
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A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
multitasking lunch
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”