me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
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It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control