If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
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My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.