(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
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“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool