[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
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Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Never be a pizza!
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.