[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
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If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.