You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
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My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
*limbos away from your hug*
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Coffee is ready.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow