My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Perfect
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Home is where your toilet is.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.