[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
mariah carrie
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about