that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
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*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.