I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
*puts my mental health in rice
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Anyone really
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*