*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Not😆🤣
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
nobody’s gonna understand
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
*seductively eats two tums*