“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
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a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.