I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
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FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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