Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
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Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
This line from Airplane.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts