Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*