I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly