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It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Breaking news:
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I hope this email finds you in a well
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*