just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
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Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*