Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.