Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
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Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
i really liked this one
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
#parenting
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.