Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
You Might Also Like
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?