Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
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*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this