Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
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Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Bless you
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Still cracks me up
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.