Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
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How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Woke up against my better judgment again
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*