My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
You Might Also Like
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Breaking news:
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks