I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!