shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
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[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
HOW DARE YOU
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again