This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
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Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN