Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
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[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.