I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
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Well, my evening plans are ruined
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
The “baby” on the left….
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please