I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids