You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
This why you should mind your business
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
good let them take over I have had enough
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito