Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
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I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here