A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
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When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Based Erika
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears