ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
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Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Finally! 😈
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone