My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
i think we should see other cousins
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
A double negative is a big no-no.
If only.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”